My unsettled emotions turned into anger and grief today and I think I’ve pissed a few people off, most of all Jeremy who’s been really patient with me all this while. The first thing was that Jeremy and I were chatting about what was said in yesterday’s post and what I’m going through, but i kept getting distracted by another guy I was chatting with who got me riled up about the way I work and how it’s ‘supposed to be done’. Here I was trying to balance two conversations regarding two subjects equally important to me and pissing both people off.
Eventually I closed off the work-related chat and just focused on one, but I’ve had to scoot mid-discussion due to a lunch appointment which dragged on a little longer than expected. I never did get to finish it because when I next saw Jeremy a few minutes ago we only exchanged a few sentences and _he_ had to go. He didn’t sound too pleased to see me.
One of the things brought up during that earlier chat was that I’m looking for answers before they are due. I am by nature inquisitive and have a thirst for knowledge. Is it possible to know too much? As I’ve said I have a good thing going and all I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions and fucking my whole life up. I’d want to make an informed decision so that would mean analyzing the cards I’ve been dealt. Obviously I can’t have the whole deck and I don’t expect that. It’s just that I don’t understand what my cards mean or how to play them.
I’m upset because I have upsetted other people just by speaking my mind. Yes I will admit I have some flaws and take life for granted. My biggest problem I guess is that I very well know that some of my actions and decisions would hurt me yet I run into them head on, like how I expected something to happen that night I booked the hotel room, when I very well knew I shouldn’t have, and I got disappointed because of the unfavourable result. The chat with Jeremy too. I know he is genuinely trying to help me out but I became defensive and thick-headed for some reason, though I know what he’s saying about me is true. If you’re reading this, Jer, I’m truly sorry if I was an ass and I really want to work it all out again. Thanks.